BDSM Etiquette Primer

General Etiquette:

  • Don’t intrude on the personal space of others.
  • Ask permission before you touch people or things that don’t belong to you.
    No one has a right to touch you or demand anything of you by virtue of your chosen role alone.
  • Don’t ask too many personal questions of people you’ve just met.
  • Be prepared to take no for an answer. Don’t persist.
  • Collars could be just a fashion statement or the equivalent of a wedding ring.
    If in doubt, ask “Who speaks for you?” Speak to that person (or back off). Do not persist.
  • Don’t assume gender pronouns. If in doubt, ask.
  • Bring a date to play parties. Pickup play is possible, but is not the norm in this area.

Munches:

  • Most munches are at a restaurant.
  • A “wet munch” is at a bar (21+ only).
  • Support the venue! Order food/drink where offered. Tip the wait staff.
  • Do NOT bring in outside food and/or drink. (Not even a water bottle.)
  • See specific munch event listings on Fetlife or Erobay calendar for other guidelines.

Nudity:

  • Most play spaces are clothing optional. Don’t gawk or stare.
  • Put something that belongs to you between your bare butt and what you’re sitting on.
  • Don’t put your dick (or cunt) in the dip! Put something on before going near the food.

When watching others play:

  • Voyeurism is welcome in most play spaces, however…
  • Keep your distance from scenes in progress – don’t intrude, don’t be an “energy vampire”.
  • Don’t make eye contact with those playing. It draws their energy away from the scene.
  • Don’t talk to people that are playing and give them some space for a while after they’re done.
  • Socialize in the social area, not the play area.
  • Don’t sit on play equipment – someone else may want to use it
  • Open masturbation is generally not welcome. If it is, contain your fluids.

When playing:

  • Most venues/parties have rules. Read them before you start your scene.
  • Share the space. Keep your scene and gear confined to a reasonable area.
  • Don’t lay your toys on surrounding play equipment – someone else may want to use it.
  • Limit your time on popular equipment to allow others a chance to use it.
  • Keep the volume of your scene to a reasonable level. Use a gag if your bottom is too loud.
  • Clean up after yourself! – Most play spaces provide cleaning supplies. Use them!

Confidentiality

  • Do NOT divulge personal information about others without their permission!
  • Do NOT talk or write about who was at an event, what they did, what they said, who they were with.
  • Do NOT take pictures, video or recordings of others without the permission of all being recorded.
    In many cases you need permission of the event/venue host(s) as well.
  • Do NOT out people! If you meet someone kinky in a vanilla context, assume they’re with their family, vanilla friends or coworkers.
    Do NOT address them by their scene name or mention where you saw them.
    While many are “out”, many others could still lose their job, family, children, etc. if outed.